happy birthday renee

Just a few weeks while I was reading one of my favourite blogs, One Little Acorn I stumbled across Renee. Renee has a blog of her own Circling My Head.

As with many of the friends I've made in the blog world, I've never met Renee. But I feel that she's a kindred spirit. She is a profoundly beautiful writer and someone who takes the time to respond to all of the comments on her own blog. She is an inspiring and courageous woman who is making a real difference in the world by sharing her thoughtful and sensitive observations of life.

It's her birthday today so this post is for her.

Happy birthday Renee. I hope you have a joyous day and a creative, enriching year filled with love, laughter and peace.

the passage of time

Meg had her school formal a week ago today. She's in her last year of school which means it's our last year as school parents. It really is hard to believe that this chapter of our lives is almost over. The time went by so quickly.

The passage of time is strange. Winter days last forever and minutes drag on for hours yet years and decades leap by.

I never imagined that my children would be grown in the blink of an eye. It was only yesterday that I longed for an hour to myself. And now, when I let myself think of it, I feel a new sense of longing for what has passed too quickly.

I miss the dimples on the back of their hands and those saucer like eyes looking up at me with complete trust. I miss them climbing into my lap with the same book I'd read a thousand times and I miss them running up the passage to leap into Chris' arms as soon as they heard his key in the door.

I relish the thought that one day my grandchildren will love those same books that are tucked away in the top cupboard but for now, I'm savouring the time I have left with my girls at home.

early morning melbourne

Chris had some work in the city this morning so we drove in together. It was early, still before daylight and everything had a different feel about it. Somehow anticipatory and energetic, there's a vibrancy about the city as it comes to life.

We stopped in Flinders Lane outside Format Furniture where Chris is hanging an exhibition for an architect friend of his.

It's funny how everything in life seems inexplicably linked. I choose to believe that it's sign that I'm in the right place with the right people.

I knew Format from an evening that Kate Bezar, editor of Dumbo Feather, hosted there last year. John, the owner, brings together a beautiful, eclectic collection of furnishings in this great underground space. It's well worth a visit (125 Flinders Lane in Melbourne).

John recommended Breadwell (in the photo) just around the corner at no. 135 for coffee. We walked in and bumped into Paul, the owner and a friend. I had long intended to find his cafe but being at the other end of the city, just hadn't made the time. It's gorgeous. The coffee was great and while we didn't have time for breakfast, the food looked fabulous. Well worth a visit.

And it's right next door to my favourite Flinders Lane Gallery. This is by far my most loved part of the city.

What a serendipitous start to my day.

favourite places

One of my favourite things is a walk along the beach with one of my daughters. This is where we usually end up. At the top of the little hill at Point Ormond in Elwood.

When the girls were babies we waited for windy days to fly kites in the park. We rode bikes along the foreshore with them strapped into seats and later, let them wobble along on their training wheels. On hot summer nights when the grass was still green, we took our picnic rug and shared fish and chips with the seagulls. Later, the girls would mimic them as they flew down the hill with arms wide, hair flying in the wind.

These days, we just stop and sit on the base of the lookout and solve the problems of the world.

The view is beautiful. The pathways are busy with cyclists, skaters, runners and mothers pushing prams. When evening nears, lovers bring blankets and wine and I imagine that they feel like the world stands still as the sun disappears and the city lights up in the distance.

overcoming self sabotage

Over the years I've worked with many clients who have reached a point where they feel they can go no further in their careers or in life in general. They feel completely stuck. It's only when they look more closely that they come to realise that what stands in their way is their own inclination to sabotage success.

Most of the ways that we self sabotage are unconscious. The characteristics that come into play are those that Carl Jung referred to when he spoke of our 'shadow'. All of us have degrees of every personality trait possible - some we are comfortable to own, others we're not. Our shadow includes both the parts of ourselves that we disown (and generally dislike in others) as well as those that we admire in others (but are too modest to claim for ourselves). Simply put, Jung's philosophy is that in order to grow we must confront our shadow and begin to embrace and make peace with all of our character traits.

This process requires courage and commitment and is often best accompanied by working with a professional but you can begin on your own. Start by paying attention to the styles of self sabotage you favour. Once you become aware of these otherwise unconscious thoughts, you have the opportunity to challenge them with your inner dialogue.

Blaming
This method of self sabotage is pretty self explanatory. You believe that your circumstances are not your fault. Whilst it's possible that there is some degree of truth in this, blaming leaves you feeling powerless. Blaming often goes hand in hand with a 'victim' mentality which is equally disempowering. Ultimately, you are the only person who has the ability to change your situation. When you begin to take responsibility, you feel better about yourself and more in control of your life.
Likely self talk: 'I can't help it'; 'It's their fault'; 'Things are just really hard for me'.

Procrastination
How many times do you repeatedly put off an unpleasant task? The most common are doing your tax, tidying your desk/wardrobe/garage, getting your finances in order, starting an exercise program or a healthy eating regime. Procrastination is a very popular method of self sabotage.
Likely self talk: 'I don't have the time'; 'I'm too tired'; 'The time isn't right'.

Over Committing/Overwhelm
Many people over commit themselves. They say yes to everything and then find themselves feeling completely overwhelmed (and quite often resentful). This method of self sabotage often helps you to avoid your 'real' goals (the ones that would bring you the most fulfilment if you were brave enough to pursue them) by distracting you with a range of incidental activities.
Likely self talk: 'They need me - I can't say no'; 'I'm the only one who will do the job well'; 'I just like to stay busy'.

Lack of Self Belief
This is quite possibly the most popular method of all. Like all others, it is also a self fulfilling prophecy. The less you believe in yourself, the less likely you are to take on new challenges and the more likely you are to believe you are unworthy of great things.
Likely self talk: 'I'm not good enough'; 'No one will want me'; 'I'm too tall; too short; too heavy; too unattractive; not interesting or not smart enough'.

Unclear Goals/Lack of Direction
This is a difficult area to tackle as it generally presents as an overall sense of confusion. Not being clear about what you want in life is often connected to not wanting to make the wrong choices.
Likely self talk: 'I don't know what I want'; 'Nothing interests me'; 'What if I get it wrong?'.

With all of the above methods of self sabotage, the first step is to notice your dominant style. Most of us use more than one so begin by just becoming aware of your self talk. If you feel ready to challenge that thinking, find a way to reframe your original thought, for example 'I'm not good enough' could become 'I'm as good as I need to be to give this a go'.